family ties

There has been something stuck in my craw as of late. Normally on a subject such as this I would keep my mouth shut, suck it up, let it fester... whatever... this is my space for my thoughts and I guess if you don't like it, don't read it.

Family is strange. Different families function so differently and I have a hard time often understanding exactly how it is that mine works. For years I have spent time thinking that all the flaws in my world were my fault. And while I still don't know if that is true or not, I am beginning to see a little error in my thought process.

I see families every day. There are some that are not mine that I have been blessed and priviledged to be a part of for many years. And there are some that once I spend time in their presence, I walk away and shake my head and just be thankful for what I've got. M- has a family that spends their holidays, weekends, birthdays, and vacations together. When I was part of this family I felt like I knew what was missing from my world. A- has a family that you feel like you HAVE TO attend things. Thay have no problem laying on a thick layer of guilt and actually will call you out in front of people for not going to the annual teeth scraping of their great aunt Melba if they feel you should.

Then there is my family. My mom is in my world daily. Sometimes I wish that was less but then I look at what I would have if I changed that equation and it actually scares me. One of my brothers comes to visit once a year. It is like an annual visit to have a colon cleanse. In other words, if it came down to being infected with malaria or making this visit, he might actually lean on the side of the malaria. My other brother is married with 3 kids. He comes down every once in a while and every blue moon I have a safe enough vehicle and money in the bank to visit them.

But then I look at his family on his wife's side. They are there in good times, bad times, you have a birthday and they show up in mass... driving across states (as in MULTIPLE!) to get to you. You have a child and you have a guaranteed helper for at least a week. I mean these people genuinely LOVE each other. They share vacations and live near each other and don't ever have to worry if someone has got their back because every day they are told how much they are loved.

And I catch myself wondering, where did I get the end of the stick that means I go through three surgeries with my son, two years of being a single parent, a divorce, a major bout of depression and I feel like if I ever call to talk that I am either just going to get voice mail or a bunch of grunts. And when I get more encouragement from my brother's mother in law than most of my actual family, I really wonder wheer I went all wrong.