hmmmm

Well, I've been on my new medicine for about 3 weeks. Apparently this is one of those that leaves you with that numbish feeling. Don't get me wrong, I am totally stoked that I am not crying at the drop of a hat or wanting to jump of a bridge (and not just for a pleasant wintery swim) but I don't enjoy that part of the medicines that makes you feel numb. I don't like feeling like I have to force laughter, that I have to not cry even if I want to. Every night I look in on my boy and I want to cry. He's so big and grown up and handsome and every day I get this lump in my throat. But the tears don't come.

Toby's father has started emailing me. It's funny cause I feel nothing. Well, to be totally honest I feel like sending him an email back that says "$15000! Then we'll talk" He accuses me of being angry and I laugh. Son, the last thing I am is angry. I have zero caring. I don't care. You are a worm who took a few years of my life but left me with an awesome gift. So thanks for your sperm, have a nice life.

Toby has to have surgery again. Tubes times two. Well, there goes my fantastic birthday vacation I've been planning for months. The doc only does surgery on Wednesdays which means it falls plop center in the middle of my 9 days off. Well damn it, I can still do something fun. I'm going to take the punk to Dinosaur World. Might be lame-o but he's two... he still thinks sticks and leaves are awesome good fun. Then post surgery, I'm going to Tally. We'll play tourist. I found a great deal on a hotel so I will still feel like it's a vacation - minus the flattening of the air mattress slowly as I sleep. Bonus will be if I get a room with two beds so I don't have to have a size 12 (yes that's right... his newly bought 11's are too small) foot in my ribcage all night. And I get to see the cousins and David and Heather and maybe if I ply someone with a steak, they'll watch my kid and let me go out for an hour. It's the little things in life that make me happy.

Oh look, my break time is over. Woo hoo. Back to insanity