Last night I sat down and realized that I am very lucky. Most people do not have the option to be born three times, all you reincarnation believers aside. My first was the actual entry into this world so I don't have much to do with that one. The second was my rebirth as a Christian and again, that one was pretty easy... just pray a little prayer, and WHAM! You are reborn. The third however came with much pain, much effort and much struggle.

My rebirth came on December 16, 2007. So I guess I am a little over 2 years old. And like a 2 year old, I am not having the easiest time dealing with my growing process. That day was the day I packed my beautiful 7 month old Tobias into my car and left my husband. I know people do that every day. Look at the divorce rate in the U.S. alone. But the difference is that on that day I walked out of a life of mental, physical and emotional abuse. I walked out to save my son, not really to save myself.

And so began the decline. With every day that I have gone without being in that relationship, I've lost a little bit more of my grip. Don't get me wrong - there are fates worse than death and spending my life with that man is one of them. So I am glad to be free, so happy to have Toby and be blessed with this awesome kid. But I probably should have sought some counseling when I walked out that door. I probably should have called one of the many centers in Tampa Bay designed to help women heal from the inside hurts, the pain no one sees. But I didn't. I was too consumed with getting it right for my son. Too busy finding a new job, a new home, a new life. And now the reality hits.

It is a slow decline into depression. I don't think you wake up one morning and BAM! Depressed! But as I sit and ponder, I can see all of the steps that took me there - mostly in my personal hygiene! Stopped shaving my legs - Hey, razors are expensive and no one sees my legs anyway. Stopped cutting my hair - that's expensive too and my stylist in Spring Hill up and quit on me. Stopped showering on a daily basis, stopped coloring my hair and then the FINAL one - stopped getting pedicures. That was always my one guilty pleasure in life. Then I started feeling guilty about having my mom watch Toby and using $25 to get one - cause that was money that could have gone to gas, groceries, or diapers. So here I am now, a hairy, stinky creature.