The brick wall

I am pretty sure I am hitting a big fat brick wall. My motivation to get over being depressed is waning. I mean, really, a doctor can't/won't help me... maybe what I am going through is just so abnormal that there is no cure. I hate getting up to go to work. I hate having to have conversations with people (which is BAAAADD! when your job is customer service). Every time the phone beeps and a call comes through, I literally roll my eyes, mutter "damn it" under my breath and then slap a smile on my face. Yesterday my cheeks hurt from smiling. The day before I woke up with a migraine that didn't go away until I fell asleep that night. I hate the medicine. I finally stopped taking it. Cause what's worse - being seriously depressed and not wanting to get out of bed OR being seriously depressed and not wanting to get out of bed WHILE sporting a massive headache, no appetite, no ability to form an intelligent thought.... I actually just forgot what the rest of my thought was.

The one bright shining spot in it all is Toby - and everytime I look at him curled up in his bed snuggling with one of his stuffed animals, my heart actually hurts. It hurts because he is asleep and I have to get through the next 4-5 hours of wakefullness by myself. It hurts because when I wake up at 1 and can't go back to sleep, it's not fair to wake him up to keep me company. And it hurts because if this doesn't get better soon, my child will actually remember me as the lady who didn't want to get off the couch