Yesterday I called my doctor. I am at a point where the new depression medicine is only NOT making me feel better but I have the side effects of a tension headache EVERY afternoon, what I call Mush Brain and now I am waking more frequently in the night to lay awake with a pounding heart. Three cheers for anxiety!! So the brilliant doctor (sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm) had the little nurse lady call me back. And this is an exact quote of what she said "ummm, the doctor, he said like if you are having those symptoms that there is ummm nothing they can do. They said you need to call a psychiatrist." To my outraged shriek of "you have got to be kidding me? Am I supposed to just keep taking it????"... "ummm, yeah cause sometimes the side effects go away"
So here I sit. According to a depression survey I took earlier today on a work balance website, they advised me that I am CLINICALLY Depressed and that if I start to have thoughts of death, I should call 911. I wonder if 911 would get me a different medicine?
To anyone who knows me, Toby is the main reason for my existence. Up until now, even in the depths of my darkest moments of despair, he has been the reason that I still attempted to function. And now I wonder, am I going to sink into a place where I no longer care about him, his well being? Am I going to become so lost that a sweet kiss or smile from him isn't enough to tug me out of that place?
It's not like I want to be here. I didn't wake up and say... "oh being super depressed sounds like it is fun. Let's give that a whirl!" I hate this. I despise waking in the middle of the night in a panic. I hate not feeling somewhat alive until 11 am or so. I hate wanting to lay on my couch asleep while my child plays... he doesn't let me Thank God!
In a world of problems, in a place where so many people struggle with self esteem, depression, anxiety, overeating I wonder how that doctor can feel like he did an okay thing in refusing to change my medication. I now have to start the search for a new doctor. I have an appointment with one next Thursday. Let's hope that there is enough chocolate cake and chips in the house to keep me from diving into the deep end!
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Holly, I am praying for you! Depression stinks!! I have not faced it at the levels that you are experiencing but I sure have faced it. For me, when I slammed against the wall emotionally last Feb., my GYN put me on Lexapro. It has helped me so much. It was supposed to only be for about 6 months for the "situational" depression but when I weaned off after 6 months it was obviously too soon for me. I will pray that you find a doctor with compassion and wisdom.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing, through all of the struggles that I have been through, I think that I have finally learned something that God has been trying to tell me. He cares about me...about my emotional needs as well as the physical and mental. Pedicures are not a sin. Took me a long time to learn that. If that is a pleasure that helps the emotions, do it for you!! :) Take care of you, sweetie.
Love you!
Lois